Friday Rant/Share

It's Friday! Boy, was today a long day! Worked 12.5 hours today. A co-worker called in sick so I worked 4.5 hours overtime. I sucked it up! The cash will come in handy. Definitely need it in June when property taxes are due, as well as my professional license and insurances. I'm still on call for the night until 8:30 tomorrow morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get called!

So I got a reply tonight. I was disappointed. Again. Two more weeks. I just want to get it over with. But this guy just keeps stalling. Even after I've told him that it's really important to me. Thirty minutes -- that's all I asked for. Can someone really be that busy? He doesn't even have to drive out to meet me. Ugh, thinking about it just makes me upset. I have to focus on the positive. At least he didn't say no. At least he replied to my e within a decent amount of time.

Anyway, change of topic. I feel that that's all I talk about here. Well, I am still getting over the whole thing. Anyway, I wanted to share a layout I made last night. The photo is of me with 4 of my siblings ( at that time) on my 8th birthday. I love this photo because it's a reminder to me of the Hello Kitty cake I had, and how we always got special birthday cakes. Journaling reads:

My mom always made a big deal of our birthday cakes. Days before our birthdays, she would ask us what kind of cake we wanted and would take us to the bakery to look at photos of cakes and then order them. I was a big fan of Hello Kitty and hence, got a Hello Kitty cake. I loved it! I also remember a cake with a carousel one time because I loved the merry-go-round whenever we went to the carnival. Looking back now, I realize how much my mom loved us by providing for us in big and small ways. We are blessed. 062509

Tonight I had dinner in front of the computer as I read blogs. (sheepish grin). Ah, the life of a single gal! My dad came over this morning so that he could be here while the concrete man fixed the leak in my basement. Sometime in the winter I went down to change the furnace filter (being the good home-owner that I am), and found a huge pool of water in my basement. This also coincided with the time when vast amounts of snow started melting as the weather started to warm up. RC had the smart idea of taking photos of it. I am grateful for that. Anyway, today they finally fixed it. Hopefully I won't encounter the same issue again.

It was strange having my dad over. I guess I'm just not used to having anyone in the house! So used to it just being me and the dishes and the computer and music blaring in the background. Oh, and the laundry.

My mom made me cry last night. We were on the phone talking about arrangements for today for my dad to be here. At the end, she asked me if I was doing okay, if I still thought about him, etc. The fact that she asked me was appreciated. The fact that she told me that he didn't love me -- well, that was...Well, it was true. And I guess that's why it hurt. Who wouldn't be hurt? Someone whom you thought loved you deeply turned out not to love you that deeply. Anyway, I didn't dwell on it too much last night. Proud of myself for that. Also considering the fact that I had called him and asked him to call me back, and yet did not get a call back save for a text message this morning. I had called him to ask if he remembered if the leak came from the wall. I was a little disappointed and annoyed that he didn't return my call. Surely, that was just common courtesy, right? Then I caught myself going through the whole series of rationalizations again. Maybe he didn't get the voicemail. Or maybe he's working the late shift. Or maybe he thought it was just my way of still keeping in contact with him. And then the annoyance -- isn't that rude of him not to call when surely, he must realize that this is important, that I wouldn't just call for nothing. Finally, my mind got occupied with something else. Finished reading Without Blood and the author did a fine job of taking his readers into another world. It's definitely going to be a favorite. I can see myself reading this book over and over again, and enjoying the prose and the simplicity of his words.

Today I stopped by Michael's on my way home and treated myself to some eye candy. I purchased a canvas panel which I plan to use as a blotter, thanks to these daily Martha Stewart e-mail's that I get. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Anyway, here I go. Will share photos when I'm done. :)

today.acceptance.sober.

My post today is inspired from this. Today is the day I said the words out loud to him in my mind. Today is the day when I told myself that I will be okay without him and believed it. Today is when I understood that it just wasn’t meant to be. He needed words and I didn’t have them; I needed time and he didn’t have time. We just didn’t love each other the way we needed to be loved.

Somewhere in the middle of all these thoughts in my head, this song played in my iTunes. What a perfect song. It still amazes me that some songs come into your life at just the time you need to hear them. I've heard this song before and liked it but never really understood it. Today I googled the lyrics and like I said, the perfect song at this point in my life. I might crash and burn it's true. I've felt better before and spiraled downwards afterwards. But I feel good about this. And if I do crash and burn, at least I know that I've come up and fought my way back before. I'm plugging along and counting the days.

A new blog. A new start. This is the best I've felt in weeks. I feel at peace. Content. A certain belief that things will work out in time. Much to my surprise, I received an email from him when I least expected it. God knows I was expecting one some time last week. I guess it really is true: things come when you least expect them to and never when you expect them to. He thanked me for the card.
I am still contemplating replying to the e. Weighing my words. Preparing my heart + intellect. Flipping through my planner, I came across the page before July. I typically write ahead of things I plan to do before or some time at the start of a month. This is what I saw: a list. Typical of me. But it said: Things to do with RC: 1. Take personality test, 2. Costco, 3. Corn maze (in the fall), 4. carnival/amusement park, 5. travel -- road trip, 6. Read chapters together and discuss. It made me stop in my tracks. Another one of those. But at least they're getting less and less frequent. And I'm also able to get past them quicker as well. I'm definitely on the way to a better place. I have a certain date as a goalpost. I'm looking forward to that day.

Spending time up in Whistler does wonders to the soul. Or maybe it's just time away from the routine and the mundane. Drove up Thursday and came back Sunday. It was my first time to drive up to Whistler and I was surprised at how easy it was. It was also my first time to see Whistler not covered in snow. Great place to hold a conference. My sis C came with me and it was a pleasure to spend time with her and catch up on things. After the break-up, I relied heavily on family + friends to keep my mind occupied. After the break-up, I had so much more me time. And I'm realizing that it's great! I have time to scrapbook, read, blog, play online, pursue interests -- all things that I had put aside because of putting a certain someone in the center of my life. For fellow females out there, I highly recommend reading He's Just Not That Into You. Too often, we sell ourselves short and believe that we don't deserve any better. We deserve better. Don't settle for less.

Reading: A Perfect Mess, Without Blood, Revolutionary Road

Listening to: The Warrior is a Child by Twila Paris

Tabula Rasa

Memories. All these thoughts in my head. I wish I could distill all of it, and just pack it up in a box. Away. In the basement. Forgotten. No way for it to surface when you don't want it to. No way for it to cause misery and longing. This yearning, this heart. I wish it were easier. Wish goodbye's were goodbye's. That they didn't come back and haunt you. That you could just move on with a clean slate and forget what once was.

Childhood Dreams

A coworker lent me an audio tape of The Last Lecture today. I listened to the first disc as soon as I got home. For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it’s about a professor who is asked to give the last lecture of his life. What would he want to say to the world if that was the last time that he could share his experiences and wisdom. The catch? It really IS his last lecture. He is dying of pancreatic cancer. In his lecture, he talked about realizing your childhood dreams. Things you’ve always wanted to do, but got swept under the rug by more important things. Things that excite you, that make you feel alive. Dreams that were just part of your imagination. So naturally, it got me thinking about my childhood dreams…. As I mulled over it, I remembered some of them. I always wanted to be a businesswoman, just like my mom. But I wanted to be even more successful. I wanted to be the CEO of a hugely successful company. I imagined myself at the head of a long table with people on either side of me, discussing the operations of the company. I also remember being insanely good at jigsaw puzzles. I especially loved the wooden ones. Oh how I loved playing with those! As I grew up, I continued enjoying all kinds of puzzles, from jigsaws to word puzzles. It would be a dream come true to join a puzzle competition of some sort.

When I was in high school, my eldest sister introduced me to crossword puzzles. I devoured them like crazy! She had a book of crosswords and I would finish numerous crosswords in one day. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know some of the answers. I tried my best to fill it in as much as I could, and when I gave up in the end, I would look up the answers in the back. And I learned that way. As you can imagine, I finished that book in no time at all, and it didn’t take long before I started buying crossword puzzle magazines. My favorite ones were ones published by Dell. To this day, I still enjoy their magazines, and if I could contribute to their magazine one day, or visit their headquarters, that would just be awesome.

Towards the latter part of high school, I dreamed of writing a book and being published. I also dreamed of becoming a magazine editor. There’s something about the written media that attracts me. Even now, I enjoy reading and writing. I used to write and read a lot more, but that’s something I’m working on right now. So here I am. Starting this blog. Taking a step towards that direction. What about you? What are your childhood dreams? Are you working towards them? I wanna hear your stories.