Back

I'm back. Back to everyday life. Also back to blogging. I took some time off away from here. I just couldn't be bothered to sit down and compose my thoughts into something intelligible. Everything has just been a mish mash of sorts...

Coming back from a week-long cruise is giving me some energy + focus though. Plus the fact that it's September and I can feel fall in the air. :) Speaking of the cruise, it was a great adventure! I want to go on another one next year. It was pure fun, sitting around + eating + just letting things be. I really enjoyed this trip. Every time I go on a trip, it's usually go-go-go. Itineraries packed to the brim. But cruising is a totally different way of traveling. Will definitely look into going on another one...:) What a great way to celebrate my birthday. Well, technically I had my birthday before I left for the trip, but I always said that I'd celebrate my day on the ship. Since Sis #4's birthday is 5 days after mine, we've often celebrated them at the same time. I have a video of when I had my 16th, and her 2nd, at Jollibee. Fun times. Anyway, this year, we got cake and were sung to by the whole dinner restaurant and staff. It was special.

First day back at work today. Swamped with emails and catching up with stuff. It feels good to be back though. Slowly getting into the groove of things. Looking forward to finishing up things I left hanging before my trip...

And since it's over, I'd like to post my list of things to do before turning 29. I made this list in early June, so my excuse for not accomplishing everything on this list is that I only had around 3 months to finish them instead of a full year. :) Will post my new list in the next day or so...

1. Submit research paper.
2. Finish my Europe album.
3. Travel. -done
4. Submit a LO for a challenge. -done
5. Submit a LO for a contest. -done
6. Submit a LO for a guest designer call. -done
7. Join a Bible/church group.
8. Get a wall mirror. -done
9. Bake something. -done
10. Organize my craft room. -done
11. Read 5 books of the Bible. -done
12. Swim once a week.
13. Paint table.
14. Watch a movie in the cinema. -done
15. Read chapter on UTI in Koda-Kimble.
16. Read chapter on Osteomyelitis in Koda-Kimble.
17. Hang frames in house.
18. Read 3 books. -done
19. Get a camera! -done
20. Walk across Golden Gate Bridge. -done
21. Watch Mary Poppins.
22. Learn to change my tires. -done
23. Start a blog. -done
24. Reconnect with old friends. -done
25. Visit Mary Ann. -done
26. Join Mensa.
27. Join Toastmasters.
28. Make something for my wall and hang it.

I just finished making my bed. I started last night, and I only finished today. Seriously, changing sheets is hard work! When/If I get married, changing the sheets is going to be one of those chores that needs to be done by 2 people. That's definitely going to be a requirement. I'm glad my bed at my parents' is only a twin. I'm going back again tomorrow, and will spend all weekend there, until Tuesday. I have the next 4 days off. Planned but things changed. Plans fall through. That's what they do. Anyway, it'll be a good chance to catch up with the girls. Thinking of making this yummy warm scallop salad that I saw in 24 today.

Later. Off to cross off some more stuff on my list. :)

August thoughts

Haven't posted in a while. Some thoughts...

Yesterday I got home and went to my room and pulled out his letters. Four or 5 of them. All written on a white lined notepad. I sat in my closet and read them. And then I crawled into bed and listened to my heartbeat. And I wondered if I would ever forget, and get past the pain. But I don't want to forget. I want to remember and to forget. I want to be 10 years older. 10 years younger.

Over the weekend, I test drove a few vehicles with Sis #1 and 2. I fell in love with the Acura RDX and want one now. I can tell that it's an emotional want for me, as opposed to a need. I know fully well that it just doesn't make sense to get one right now. Money is a little tight. I haven't included buying a car into my savings plan. Nevertheless, test driving it was a piece of heaven, a blissful memory to recall...

Thoroughly enjoying Chris Tomlin. Also started reading a new book. If you have time, snoop around the site; it's quite interesting.

Mom and Aunt are leaving tomorrow. Don't know when they will be back. I hope it won't be too soon......And I mean that in the best possible sense. See they're going to be with another aunt who's sick. Can't talk about it too much here. So I'll just leave it like that.

It's August. My month. My time. My hours, my days, my life. It's going to be a good month.

Season Talk

I was just noticing that it's been more relaxed here in the last couple of weeks. Not as rushed. Not as go-go-go. There has been time to just sit on the couch and read the paper or a book. Time to just browse internet and read blogs. Time to do housework and keep the house clean and neat. Time to just be.

Now that I've said it though, it seems that that's what I've always done anyways. Maybe the shift is in myself. Learning to take things as they come, and to not have this expectation to rush through tasks and pass life by.

I feel some breeze coming through the windows. Today was a scorcher. I'm realizing that I'm definitely not a summer person. I don't like being sticky. More than a couple times, I seriously contemplated running from the end of my bedroom which is on the 2nd floor of the house, jumping out the window and diving into my neighbor's big blue pool that's sitting invitingly in their backyard. Don't get me wrong; summer is great. I love the extended days, the feeling that you can accomplish everything in your day. I love the iced teas and sundaes and the fresh produce. But fall is still my favorite season. It always will be. So until then, I'll try to stay cool and not sweat it. :)

Just got home from the Aquatic Centre. I had such a great time tonight. Attended the Aquafit class with my friend V. I can't believe how much fun I had! Will definitely go back again. What a great way to start the week!

Well, actually I didn't feel that way this morning. Scheduled to start work at 9am. i set my alarm for 7:45am. I woke up, snoozed it once, then turned it off, telling myself I would get up in a few moments. Guess what? I didn't. I woke up at 8:15am! I don't know how I did it, but I managed to be out of the house by 8:40am. That included packing, and cleaning up my room. Got to work 10 minutes late. Not too bad actually. Good thing traffic wasn't horrible. Sigh. When will I ever learn? No snoozing!!! Something I definitely need to work on.

Had a great weekend. Spent Saturday at home with family. I felt a pull to be at home, what with the news of my aunt last week. We found out last week that my aunt in the Philippines had a mild stroke and had to be admitted to the hospital. With her current condition (Stage IV cancer), the prognosis is not good. They found new mets in her liver, to add to the posse of mets that have invaded her brain, lungs, and bone. It was such a bummer for the whole family. She and one of her daughters, and one of her sisters were supposed to come here for a visit. We were gonna do the cruise all together, including my mom and dad, and another aunt who's here. It was going to be a blast. But God has other plans. My mom and aunt are going there instead. Sis #3 might go as well. Same with my dad. Sis #2 and hubby were at my parents' as well on Saturday. I played the singer in our rock band group. :) It was so much fun...

Yesterday after church, we headed to Richmond for some dimsum which I had been craving. Afterwards, we spent hours inside Costco. I got some glucosamine. I started taking them yesterday. I hope it works..... I pray it works, in addition to exercise and prayers. My mom got this set of pots and pans that were ceramic titanium. There was a man doing demos. My mom was sold. For $550 for a set of 10 (I think), it better be good! I believe she proceeded to trial them out last night. So far so good.

We headed to Aberdeen Centre afterwards. Had some frappe bliss :) and iced lemon tea. Danni worked on her homework while we sat there. Of course I had to go to Daiso and get some notebooks. :) I swear, I'm obsessed with notebooks. Their selection seems to have waned since I last went there. There are now only 2 aisles of notebooks. Even after I'd finished perusing, I found myself going back to peruse some more. Sigh. Went home with some more notebooks. :)

All in all a very busy weekend. Busy but good. Got lots of family time. Made lots of deposit into the emotional bank accounts of my sisters. Spoke with Sis #2 on the phone too last night. I needed it. It came at the perfect time. Somehow, words/things keep coming at just the right time, almost as if someone had set it all up...

Peace and Quiet

I spent an hour weeding my front lawn tonight. Felt great! I think I may be sore tomorrow though. Bending in unusual poses and moves. It took my mind off things. I felt better afterwards. Decided to treat myself to a bowl of peaches + ice cream. Sat on the couch and just enjoyed my treat. Savored the peace and quiet. Mind you though, peace and quiet is pretty much the norm around here, which is what you can expect when you live by yourself. Thought of him as I sat there. How many times had we sat there, sharing ice cream or some other treat? Talking about our days, our plans, how we made each other happy. What changed? When did we stop making each other happy? Why is it that people give up so easily? I'm a little disappointed. I'm back to this place again. Sigh. Back to this lonely feeling. Back to all these questions. Back to memories of him and me.

Called my mom up tonight just to check in. Read this this morning, and just couldn't stop smiling and chuckling to myself. What an entertaining read.

Listening to: Kelly Clarkson - The last song, If No One Will Listen, is my fave.
Reading: Jann Arden
Enjoying: this

It's Monday night.

Seriously, where does the time go? Before you know it, summer will be over already. I've been feeling behind, just trying to catch up with things. But I wonder, are these things really worth the effort, the stress, the worry? For example, weeding and ironing. My lawn doesn't look that bad really. There's just a couple of weeds that I want to pull out. I have been waiting for a block of time when I can do the whole lawn - front and back. But maybe I should just take 2 minutes to pull out the 2 big ones that are really bugging me. Done, decided. That's what I'll do tomorrow. Ironing. I have 5 shirts I need to iron. That's not a lot. I could probably wait another week. The thing is, those 5 shirts have been waiting to be ironed for more than a couple weeks now. Plus, I don't really own a lot of shirts that need to be ironed. Chances are, the 5 shirts that have been patiently waiting to be ironed are the only 5 shirts I own that need to be ironed! It's decided then. I will iron those 5 shirts tomorrow and get them off my back.

Feeling a little heavy hearted today. I got my aunt's bone scans and CT reports. They don't look good. She's supposed to come and visit us in a couple of weeks. But I don't know if her doctors will let her. Six months, that's what the doctors said. What can you do in six months? It seems so short. I think of the past 6 months. What did I accomplish? Not much really. Nothing stands out in terms of accomplishments. I learned lots though. I learned how important it is to have good relations with friends and family. They are the ones you'll fall back on after a break-up. I learned that no matter how much you want something to work, it takes two to tango. I learned that core differences cannot be ignored; they will always surface. I learned that there are 5 love languages, and that quality time is my love language. I learned that it's okay to be single. I learned that God is in the midst of all our pain, and that we can find comfort in Him. I learned that career was not my priority, when I always thought that it was. I learned that I crave something deeper, something more lasting than accomplishments and awards and letters to my name. I learned that I can mow the lawn by myself. :) I learned that I can be a source of encouragement for other people.

I can't remember shedding as much tears as I did than the past 6 months. So much hurt and pain. But God has used this time to show me Himself. For that, I am grateful.

I wanted to share a photo of me and sis #4 that's making me so happy before I sign off.

Last night I drove home to my parents' for some good yummy dinner (surprisingly! Because it seems that every time I go home to my parents', they don't have any food, but my mom is actually a very excellent cook.) and fun + games with my sisters. Somehow, my dad dug up an old combination lock that nobody knew what the combination was. All 4 of us girls tried different methods, namely relying on one's faulty memory, listening to the lock, and finally resorting to Google and youtube. I just can't imagine life without internet. All that knowledge just out there and within reach in milliseconds. Amazing.

Anyway, we managed to find a couple of sites and videos. But alas, by midnight, we weren't any closer. Oh, I forgot to mention that while we were all trying different combos for that one lock, one of my sisters remembered that she has a Dudley lock. She was bragging about how she didn't have to know the code; her fingers would just know it when she opens the lock. Guess what, she couldn't open her combo lock, which she had just stopped using since school was out -- a month ago!

By midnight, we decided to call it quits. We were all so frustrated, trying to understand the directions from the forum we found online, and listing down numbers. This morning, sis #1 decided to use the listen method and lo and behold! It actually worked! She cracked one of the locks open. After that, sis #4 and I got a boost of energy to try with her lock. So we tried a different method that somebody offered and we ended up with 10 different numbers. As you know, a Dudley requires 3 numbers. That meant there were possibly 1000 combinations. We were determined. Sis#1 started listing the combos on Excel while I dictated the combos. Sis #4 tried the combos as we went along. I noted down the time we started: 10:47 am. Sis #1 had to leave so it was just sis #4 and me. I had to leave for a few minutes as well. I came back, she was still plugging along. Gotta give her persistence, that girl. We traded spots; she started typing and I started trying the combos. On our 155th try, we got it. You can just imagine the huge smiles on our faces. Finally! The time? 11:33am. Almost an hour. Not counting the hours we spent on it last night. Needless to say, she wrote down the combo and kept it somewhere safe with the lock.

On a different note, I am getting ready to submit my entries into Cocoa Daisy's Design Team call. Got my layouts in and all I need to do right now is take pictures of an album I made and submit it for the project requirement.

Tomorrow, I'm watching HP with sis #1 and 4. It should be fun. Looking forward to it! I am definitely enjoying summer and the longer days. Even with the extended hours, it seems that time just flies by! K, should get going now.

Today

Where does the time go?
0730-0745 Wake up, read Bible
0745-0830 Shower, get ready for work
0830-0845 Breakfast
0900-1700 Work
1701-1745 Chat with a co-worker
1746-1800 Drive home
1800-1820 Unwind
1820-1900 Exercise
1901-1920 Facebook, check e
1921-2005 Dinner, pack lunch for tomorrow, wash dishes
2006-2015 Fold laundry, put them away
2016-2050 mytype on FB, as per Danni's request
2051-2110 watched some MJ videos on youtube

Hello Monday

A new week. A new start. I had the whole weekend off, which was wonderful, as I haven't had a whole weekend off in a while. I spent Saturday making cards. Last week, I was into the color orange. All the cards I made were orange. On Saturday, turquoise and green were my picks. I'm still in the card mode, and I just found out about Hero Arts' contest so I'm definitely gonna play around in the studio again. :)

I also watched Inkheart with my sisters. The movie was interesting. The whole idea of the movie/book was captivating but I found that I was very removed from the movie. I didn't feel taken in. I wonder if the book is better? There, I just put in a request to the library. :) I love having this library system! I absolutely adore it.

Right now, I am reading this and am enjoying it immensely. On my bookshelf too is this.

I'm feeling very positive and at peace. I had a chance to chat with rc yesterday and it was good closure for me. Finally, it felt like closing a book I had finished reading. There were tears and emotions last night, lots of 'em, but that was it. It was goodbye for good. And I'm ready to start yet another chapter...

He asked me: What had you been busy with the past year? A look of disbelief in his face.

I felt so little. So useless. Such a sloth. Nothing accomplished. Nothing learned. Nothing gained. While he accomplished innumerable things. Read numerous pages of journals and articles. Wrote hundreds of reports and clinical notes. Presented various reports. Finished a research project and drafted a manuscript. All in one year.

And I groped for words. I racked my brain, thinking of the past year. What did I accomplish? What had I been busy with? He said that I always seemed to be busy doing something. But where was the final product? What was the ultimate goal? Then he suggested an answer, before I could say 'I don't know.' Was it getting settled at the house? And I said yes, even though I knew that wasn't it. That wasn't all.

That was over 2 months ago. And this morning, I thought about it. What had kept me busy? I was busy trying to please him. I was busy waiting. Waiting for him to be ready, waiting for him to be done his program, waiting for him to tell the world about us, waiting for him to let me in his world completely and not just in a room in his heart. When I let him in my house, I let him in my whole heart, not just a room. That's what I had been busy with the past year. Waiting. And even when I found out that I would have to wait longer than I originally thought, I kept waiting. How dumb was that? A whole year wasted away. A few weeks ago I would have cried and felt sorry for myself. But He has opened my eyes to see that He let me fall so that I could experience this understanding. That I am better off without him. That He has bigger plans for me. Other plans that do not involve marriage with him. I know that I'm in good hands.

I'm home. I have to say, I love the feeling I get when I step in the house. Home sweet home. Usually, I have bags of groceries and goodies, clothes, and my purse in hands. Often, I have to make a few trips from the car to the house. Which is okay. I love it! As soon as I step in, I see the clothes hanging in the laundry room. I made a mental note to add fold clothes in my list of stuff to do for the day. And off I go. Unpacking things. Putting them in the proper places, the fridge, the cupboard, the pantry, the fruit bowl. My purse to the office. My change of clothes either to the laundry room or upstairs. And here I am. I feel so blessed to have all these good things around me. That I am not wanting. This feeling of abundance. What are you thankful for today?

Vacation Week

Not sleepy yet. Had a couple of naps today. Home now. Home in Coquitlam. Feet tired and achy. Off shift from SDM. Grand opening today (after the reno). Not too busy. Not too many crazy peeps today. Just the usual amount. :)

Why didn't I bring my journal/notebook? I had been bringing it with me faithfully every week. I hadn't been writing. So I figured I wouldn't need it. But of course I do.

This was my vacation week -- the week I had looked forward to the past 4 months. The week I was gonna drive down the Oregon Coast with rc and spend some quality time together. To celebrate. To unwind. Sigh. But that's not how it panned out. I started missing him again. Earlier this week. Missed having someone to chat with at the end of the day. Missed having someone to call my babe, my honey. So I guess it's not really him that I miss. It's having him.

Thursday night, when the emotions were more acute, God spoke to me through a book that I purchased at church a few weeks ago. Sis #1 wanted to read it so I left it here. The words I read were the words my soul needed to hear. He did that so many times this week. Letting me know of His presence. That He has plans for me. Far greater than a life with rc. That I am loved -- far greater than rc could ever love me. Or that I could expect or hope for. He is definitely in my life. I feel His presence. I have resumed reading the Bible. :) Still aiming for finishing 5 books before I turn 29. Looks very doable right now. :) I feel a thirst and hunger to read the Bible. Something I have never felt before.

So my vacation week was supposed to be a week of housework. Well, it didn't happen that way. MA came to see me on Monday. Lunch out then went karaoke-ing with her. :) Indian food for dinner then she stayed over. We talked about stuff. Issues that she has. I think I made her think about things. The next I day I took her to Surrey to head to the US border. Then went on to do my stuff. I was very productive that day and I was so proud of myself! :) Canadian Tire to get my weeder (which I plan to play with next week). RMH to make an appointment with SY. Michael's to buy my canvas (project up ahead :)), Save-On to return my recyclables, then to the acupuncturist. Afterwards, picked up Sis #5 from Coquitlam and also had lunch there. Then off to Old Navy to use a coupon for $75 off $100! I got some yoga pants that are totally hot! :) And sis got tank tops. We were both very happy with our purchases. :) Then to RMH again to chat with SY. After that, home at PM then we headed to the theater to watch My Sister's Keeper where I cried buckets of tears throughout the whole movie! We had dinner at Sango afterwards. :)

It was so fun to have danni around at the house. :) We had ice cream and played computer games. There were times when it reminded me of having rc at the house. But for the most part, I just enjoyed her company. She says she had a great time too. :) The next day, we took the new Golden Ears bridge to watch Transformers on iMax at the Colossus Theater. Lunch at The Old Spaghetti Factory. Then home to Coquitlam.

Thursday, I spent the day watching movies: Bride Wars, Rachel Getting Married, The Memory Keeper's Daughter, The Promotion. Picked up Dan from school then had sushi with her and dad. Friday, went to PM with mom. Vacuumed, did laundry and filed my June stuff away while she cleaned my kitchen. :) Picked up Sock then went home. Watched yet another movie -- The Mummy Part 3.

Friday Rant/Share

It's Friday! Boy, was today a long day! Worked 12.5 hours today. A co-worker called in sick so I worked 4.5 hours overtime. I sucked it up! The cash will come in handy. Definitely need it in June when property taxes are due, as well as my professional license and insurances. I'm still on call for the night until 8:30 tomorrow morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I don't get called!

So I got a reply tonight. I was disappointed. Again. Two more weeks. I just want to get it over with. But this guy just keeps stalling. Even after I've told him that it's really important to me. Thirty minutes -- that's all I asked for. Can someone really be that busy? He doesn't even have to drive out to meet me. Ugh, thinking about it just makes me upset. I have to focus on the positive. At least he didn't say no. At least he replied to my e within a decent amount of time.

Anyway, change of topic. I feel that that's all I talk about here. Well, I am still getting over the whole thing. Anyway, I wanted to share a layout I made last night. The photo is of me with 4 of my siblings ( at that time) on my 8th birthday. I love this photo because it's a reminder to me of the Hello Kitty cake I had, and how we always got special birthday cakes. Journaling reads:

My mom always made a big deal of our birthday cakes. Days before our birthdays, she would ask us what kind of cake we wanted and would take us to the bakery to look at photos of cakes and then order them. I was a big fan of Hello Kitty and hence, got a Hello Kitty cake. I loved it! I also remember a cake with a carousel one time because I loved the merry-go-round whenever we went to the carnival. Looking back now, I realize how much my mom loved us by providing for us in big and small ways. We are blessed. 062509

Tonight I had dinner in front of the computer as I read blogs. (sheepish grin). Ah, the life of a single gal! My dad came over this morning so that he could be here while the concrete man fixed the leak in my basement. Sometime in the winter I went down to change the furnace filter (being the good home-owner that I am), and found a huge pool of water in my basement. This also coincided with the time when vast amounts of snow started melting as the weather started to warm up. RC had the smart idea of taking photos of it. I am grateful for that. Anyway, today they finally fixed it. Hopefully I won't encounter the same issue again.

It was strange having my dad over. I guess I'm just not used to having anyone in the house! So used to it just being me and the dishes and the computer and music blaring in the background. Oh, and the laundry.

My mom made me cry last night. We were on the phone talking about arrangements for today for my dad to be here. At the end, she asked me if I was doing okay, if I still thought about him, etc. The fact that she asked me was appreciated. The fact that she told me that he didn't love me -- well, that was...Well, it was true. And I guess that's why it hurt. Who wouldn't be hurt? Someone whom you thought loved you deeply turned out not to love you that deeply. Anyway, I didn't dwell on it too much last night. Proud of myself for that. Also considering the fact that I had called him and asked him to call me back, and yet did not get a call back save for a text message this morning. I had called him to ask if he remembered if the leak came from the wall. I was a little disappointed and annoyed that he didn't return my call. Surely, that was just common courtesy, right? Then I caught myself going through the whole series of rationalizations again. Maybe he didn't get the voicemail. Or maybe he's working the late shift. Or maybe he thought it was just my way of still keeping in contact with him. And then the annoyance -- isn't that rude of him not to call when surely, he must realize that this is important, that I wouldn't just call for nothing. Finally, my mind got occupied with something else. Finished reading Without Blood and the author did a fine job of taking his readers into another world. It's definitely going to be a favorite. I can see myself reading this book over and over again, and enjoying the prose and the simplicity of his words.

Today I stopped by Michael's on my way home and treated myself to some eye candy. I purchased a canvas panel which I plan to use as a blotter, thanks to these daily Martha Stewart e-mail's that I get. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Anyway, here I go. Will share photos when I'm done. :)

today.acceptance.sober.

My post today is inspired from this. Today is the day I said the words out loud to him in my mind. Today is the day when I told myself that I will be okay without him and believed it. Today is when I understood that it just wasn’t meant to be. He needed words and I didn’t have them; I needed time and he didn’t have time. We just didn’t love each other the way we needed to be loved.

Somewhere in the middle of all these thoughts in my head, this song played in my iTunes. What a perfect song. It still amazes me that some songs come into your life at just the time you need to hear them. I've heard this song before and liked it but never really understood it. Today I googled the lyrics and like I said, the perfect song at this point in my life. I might crash and burn it's true. I've felt better before and spiraled downwards afterwards. But I feel good about this. And if I do crash and burn, at least I know that I've come up and fought my way back before. I'm plugging along and counting the days.

A new blog. A new start. This is the best I've felt in weeks. I feel at peace. Content. A certain belief that things will work out in time. Much to my surprise, I received an email from him when I least expected it. God knows I was expecting one some time last week. I guess it really is true: things come when you least expect them to and never when you expect them to. He thanked me for the card.
I am still contemplating replying to the e. Weighing my words. Preparing my heart + intellect. Flipping through my planner, I came across the page before July. I typically write ahead of things I plan to do before or some time at the start of a month. This is what I saw: a list. Typical of me. But it said: Things to do with RC: 1. Take personality test, 2. Costco, 3. Corn maze (in the fall), 4. carnival/amusement park, 5. travel -- road trip, 6. Read chapters together and discuss. It made me stop in my tracks. Another one of those. But at least they're getting less and less frequent. And I'm also able to get past them quicker as well. I'm definitely on the way to a better place. I have a certain date as a goalpost. I'm looking forward to that day.

Spending time up in Whistler does wonders to the soul. Or maybe it's just time away from the routine and the mundane. Drove up Thursday and came back Sunday. It was my first time to drive up to Whistler and I was surprised at how easy it was. It was also my first time to see Whistler not covered in snow. Great place to hold a conference. My sis C came with me and it was a pleasure to spend time with her and catch up on things. After the break-up, I relied heavily on family + friends to keep my mind occupied. After the break-up, I had so much more me time. And I'm realizing that it's great! I have time to scrapbook, read, blog, play online, pursue interests -- all things that I had put aside because of putting a certain someone in the center of my life. For fellow females out there, I highly recommend reading He's Just Not That Into You. Too often, we sell ourselves short and believe that we don't deserve any better. We deserve better. Don't settle for less.

Reading: A Perfect Mess, Without Blood, Revolutionary Road

Listening to: The Warrior is a Child by Twila Paris

Tabula Rasa

Memories. All these thoughts in my head. I wish I could distill all of it, and just pack it up in a box. Away. In the basement. Forgotten. No way for it to surface when you don't want it to. No way for it to cause misery and longing. This yearning, this heart. I wish it were easier. Wish goodbye's were goodbye's. That they didn't come back and haunt you. That you could just move on with a clean slate and forget what once was.

Childhood Dreams

A coworker lent me an audio tape of The Last Lecture today. I listened to the first disc as soon as I got home. For those of you who are not familiar with the book, it’s about a professor who is asked to give the last lecture of his life. What would he want to say to the world if that was the last time that he could share his experiences and wisdom. The catch? It really IS his last lecture. He is dying of pancreatic cancer. In his lecture, he talked about realizing your childhood dreams. Things you’ve always wanted to do, but got swept under the rug by more important things. Things that excite you, that make you feel alive. Dreams that were just part of your imagination. So naturally, it got me thinking about my childhood dreams…. As I mulled over it, I remembered some of them. I always wanted to be a businesswoman, just like my mom. But I wanted to be even more successful. I wanted to be the CEO of a hugely successful company. I imagined myself at the head of a long table with people on either side of me, discussing the operations of the company. I also remember being insanely good at jigsaw puzzles. I especially loved the wooden ones. Oh how I loved playing with those! As I grew up, I continued enjoying all kinds of puzzles, from jigsaws to word puzzles. It would be a dream come true to join a puzzle competition of some sort.

When I was in high school, my eldest sister introduced me to crossword puzzles. I devoured them like crazy! She had a book of crosswords and I would finish numerous crosswords in one day. It didn’t matter that I didn’t know some of the answers. I tried my best to fill it in as much as I could, and when I gave up in the end, I would look up the answers in the back. And I learned that way. As you can imagine, I finished that book in no time at all, and it didn’t take long before I started buying crossword puzzle magazines. My favorite ones were ones published by Dell. To this day, I still enjoy their magazines, and if I could contribute to their magazine one day, or visit their headquarters, that would just be awesome.

Towards the latter part of high school, I dreamed of writing a book and being published. I also dreamed of becoming a magazine editor. There’s something about the written media that attracts me. Even now, I enjoy reading and writing. I used to write and read a lot more, but that’s something I’m working on right now. So here I am. Starting this blog. Taking a step towards that direction. What about you? What are your childhood dreams? Are you working towards them? I wanna hear your stories.