He asked me: What had you been busy with the past year? A look of disbelief in his face.

I felt so little. So useless. Such a sloth. Nothing accomplished. Nothing learned. Nothing gained. While he accomplished innumerable things. Read numerous pages of journals and articles. Wrote hundreds of reports and clinical notes. Presented various reports. Finished a research project and drafted a manuscript. All in one year.

And I groped for words. I racked my brain, thinking of the past year. What did I accomplish? What had I been busy with? He said that I always seemed to be busy doing something. But where was the final product? What was the ultimate goal? Then he suggested an answer, before I could say 'I don't know.' Was it getting settled at the house? And I said yes, even though I knew that wasn't it. That wasn't all.

That was over 2 months ago. And this morning, I thought about it. What had kept me busy? I was busy trying to please him. I was busy waiting. Waiting for him to be ready, waiting for him to be done his program, waiting for him to tell the world about us, waiting for him to let me in his world completely and not just in a room in his heart. When I let him in my house, I let him in my whole heart, not just a room. That's what I had been busy with the past year. Waiting. And even when I found out that I would have to wait longer than I originally thought, I kept waiting. How dumb was that? A whole year wasted away. A few weeks ago I would have cried and felt sorry for myself. But He has opened my eyes to see that He let me fall so that I could experience this understanding. That I am better off without him. That He has bigger plans for me. Other plans that do not involve marriage with him. I know that I'm in good hands.