running home to you
..... your warmth
..... your smile
..... your crinkly eyes
zooming past
..... the amber signs
..... that say 30
..... the tracks
..... that slow me down
you're waiting

running away from you
..... your shadow
..... your ghost
..... your memory
racing past the grief
..... the heartache
..... the loss
you're no longer
and i'm running into my new me.

Tasting Rain and Seeing Signs

When I finished my Palliative Care rotation last Friday, I took the liberty of browsing my preceptor's extensive library of palliative-related books. This little book caught my eye. Tasting Rain. It's an easy read. Kim Malchuk writes the way she speaks, or at least the way I imagine she speaks. Although I do not agree with all of the ideas she presented, I could understand some of the emotions she described when her husband passed away. I am not a widow, nor have I ever been married, but I sure know the heartache and loss when a loved one leaves.

I am so thankful to be where I am now. Past the heartache and grief. I never imagined I would get here, that this would be possible. It's amazing. It was about 2 months ago when I found out that he was getting married. I was in the car with a common friend. She was giving me a ride home from residency night. When she told me (and she didn't know about our history), I felt like my lungs collapsed, as if the air in the car disappeared. Wow, that was fast, I thought to myself, doing the math -- 2 years. I didn't sleep well that night. I called my sister S and I cried. Why wasn't he ready to be married to me 2 years ago? He still isn't done his program. He has a few more years to go. What's different now?

A part of me was upset with myself that I was still so affected. I hadn't counted on that. I had thought that I was past that. After a few days of mulling over things, I realized that I was making it into something about myself, when it wasn't. It was about him and her finding each other and being ready to take that next step. It had nothing to do with me. When I made this realization, I felt so much better. But once in a while, it would still creep in.

Until one day, about 2 weeks after I found out, I was having dinner, by myself, and I remembered how it all ended, how he couldn't even find the time to speak with me, when everything was going into shambles. I remembered, and I had this sudden sense of a big thick book being slammed shut -- as if a chapter had been written and done with. And that's when I felt it -- this feeling of closure, of freedom, of air, of light. That's when it happened for me. Two years later.

When I think of it now, I think, 2 years. In those 2 years, he had found somebody else, had flown to HK (last year) to have prenup photos taken, had made another life for himself. How easy it was for him. Whereas I spent the 2 years just getting over him. What a lame-o. But wait, I shouldn't think of it that way. I spent the last 2 years making myself stronger, getting to know myself, loving myself, and forgiving myself. I wouldn't be here now, emotionally and mentally, without those 2 years behind me.

As I finished reading Kim's last few paragraphs, she talked about how the movie Forrest Gump had a special meaning to her, how she found a single white feather on the side of the road where her camper was parked, while she was pondering about the movie (having just seen it). And I thought, that's such a lovely ending. And then I looked up, and I saw a beautiful formation of birds flying in the same direction. I noted that they looked like little crosses from where I was sitting on the back porch. It was beautiful. God showed himself to me once again.

After the breakup, I was out one day and saw a robin in my backyard. It made me sad and reminded me of its namesake. But something inside me said, no, from now on, whenever I see a bird, I will think of God. And since then, a bird would always show up whenever I was thinking of God or whenever I was in the middle of a situation that I needed an answer to. He is so faithful. So so faithful to me.

These days...

...I'm taking a class from Simplify 101 called "It's About Time."

...I'm using my planner again.

...I'm addicted to Brandi Carlile. I keep playing this one.

...I'm planning to reread the Harry Potter series.

...I'm enjoying the down time from being off residency.

...I'm getting into the habit of waking up at 6 am everyday. How brave, right?

...I'm going to be spending some time in the studio. :)

...I'm starting to exercise again.

...I'm thankful for a lot of things -- Las Vegas trip recently where we spent a day at the Grand Canyon.

...I'm soaking in the written Word.

Awesome message here from Dr. Brene Brown. It was just what I needed to hear. Funny because a friend had recommended her book to me, The Gifts of Imperfection, just recently. I haven't had a chance to get it but definitely plan to. Looking at her website, I'm interested in reading her other books as well.

Check out the site as well, as they're giving away $40 to everyone! I'm thinking of getting a book and a poster.

Off to the studio now to play. :)

Speech 8: Paris

I gave my 8th speech today at TM. It was project 6 from the CC manual, focusing on vocal variety. Yup, I have left this one this late. It's one of the things I struggle with. Vocal variety has been a mainstay of the evaluations I have received ever since I've been a Toastmaster. Well, how did I do tonight, you ask. Hmm.... just okay, I think. I could have donebetter, I know that. It was a half-baked speech, having prepared it only a couple hours before the meeting. I realize that that in itself is an achievement, that I would have the gall to actually speak in front of an audience with a speech as half-baked as what I had, but I still think I could have done better, pushed myself harder. Oh well, there's always the next speech right?

Anyway, tonight I talked about Paris and showed some of my SB pages on Paris. I'll share some of them here as well.

Matoi Sushi Lunch

Because our sushi craving wasn't satisfied the other day, we headed to Matoi yesterday after church. And what do you know, it wasn't open! Again! it was around 11:15am. They open at 11:30am so we hung around. Anyway, I'm glad we sticked around because mm-mm the food was yummy!

I got sashimi teisyoku and agedashi tofu.

And Danni got this beautiful bowl of chirashi. I had a taste of it (couldn't resist!) and it was yum too. :)

Would definitely go back again and try their other sashimi.

And then for dinner last night, I had this:

Isn't that a beautiful thing? My mom made it! It had lettuce, potatoes, shredded carrots, mangoes, strawberries, grapefruit, corn, chicken cubes, and this wonderful heavenly dressing! Thanks Mom!!

Late Entry: Cora's

We went to Cora's for a snack. We wanted to go to Matoi for sushi but at 4pm, they were closed. We headed to Cora's instead to give the sunny resto a whirl. I got this -- banana

hazelnut crepe. Yum. :)

Dan got a crepe as well, called Raspberry 4 Lucie.

Unfortunately for her, it looked better than it tasted. :(

I tried it and it was too sour for my taste.

She also said it had cream cheese inside that she didn't particularly like.

I don't think she enjoyed her dish. :(

Mom and Jaja decided to share this big plate of yes, crepes again, with fresh fruits on top. Yeah, we should have ordered something savoury as well, instead of getting all fruit-y dishes. Oh well, next time we know.

And as for Olivia, after studying the menu for a long time (while playing with her Mr. Big)....

She decided on a cut up bowl of bananas, compliments of the manager. :)

As soon as the bowl was placed in front of her, she grabbed a handful of bananas and placed them in her mouth!

Overall, a nice place to have breakfast or lunch. A bit pricey but I wouldn't mind going back again to try their omelettes or any other savoury dishes.